#and im just reminded of this by a recent conversation with a friend. i also dont think of my struggles as being especially profound but i
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raspberryjellybrains · 1 year ago
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I always feel weird saying I'm disabled, even though I literally am.
it's like "yeah here's a list of things which actively and often make it difficult to socialize, inhibit my ability to perform important tasks in all spheres or life, and generally worsen or alter my overall experience. they aren't disabilities though, they're quirks and I need to cope better. I am a well-adjusted person."
and I realize it's just internalized ableism. I know it's that I'm used to having to downplay and compartmentalize my negative feelings and experiences, and having what I can't help but express be dismissed, but it still feels weird and wrong to say. it's also like... for the most part, I can push through. I'll be miserable and inevitably drop more minor things just to survive but I'll make it through. and sometimes I won't even struggle, sometimes I'm totally fine and can do everything with relative ease, and it feels like that negates the fact that sometimes I can't do anything. if it can be better, it should be all the time, right? I just need to try harder.
but it's so hard to talk about this irl because it's such a heavy, tricky conversation to have and I always feel like I'm five seconds away from having someone tell me I'm dramatic and full of shit. as I type this, my legs are going numb from the way I'm sitting (leaning forward cross-legged) and I know when I sit up, it will hurt intensely to get feeling back, but it's the only sustainable way to sit on the floor without hurting my shoulders and neck. I have a long essay to write and a dorm room to clean because I've been horribly depressed all week.
i am disabled. it's just hard to say it.
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chiiyuuvv · 6 months ago
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the stealer ★
roommate!nico 1k words
notes! nico is very cocky but gets shy in the end kekekeke... im so sane for him, uhh you have a girl bff that feeds into your delusionals. like one curse word but its only to describe something. also, first time doing all lowercase :)) it felt weird ngl but wtv ALSOO new post layout bc i don't like the old one anymore yayy
inspired by nicholas's recent live
▸ 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘺?
���..and I swear he unbuttons his shirt on purpose,” you let out a breathy sigh, leaning your head against your bedroom wall to conceal your smile. it didn’t help that you could see your ridiculously hot roommate when you shut your eyes, visions of him walking around your shared apartment with peeks of his shirt visible, his bare arms exposed. you’d like to believe he was clueless of his actions, but the phone call with your best friend made you see things differently.
“he wants you so bad, girlie,” her teasing voice brings you back to your senses, an incoherent sound leaving your lips in denial as she laughs in return.
“we’re just roommates-”
“he doesn’t treat you like one,” your friend snaps. you could hear the shit eating grin plastered on her face as she goes about her weekly rant to prove how nicholas likes you more than a roommate. “he always finds excuses to sleep in your bed instead of his own-”
“my bed is probably comfier than his-”
“-and you always wake up cuddling,” she finishes her sentence despite getting cut off, “hm.. what did you say he does again?”
“okay.. I get it,” you plead, but to your dismay, she continues.
“no.. don’t leave yet,” your friend mimics nicholas’s hushed tone, his arms wrapped around your waist to pull you closer into his chest. 
“okay-”
“and do you see how the man looks at you?!” you hear her exclaim, endless sighs leaving your mouth in embarrassment. “he looks at you like you’re the only girl in his world – which you are. there's hearts in his eyes-”
“okay!!” you successfully shout over your friend, your ears shot red from her teasings. besides her giggles, the conversation pauses with a comfortable silence, your fingers mindlessly tugging at the blanket draped on your bed. “he loves to steal my heart at night,” you mumble as a joke. your friend snorts, breaking the placid quiet.
“okay, bye!!” you hurriedly end the call, slamming your phone on your bed in the process. you bury your head into your pillow to let out a scream, before promptly standing up and dusting off your pants, composing yourself. you can’t look like a maniac when dinners almost ready, heh.
“that reminds me.. last time, when we were talking, I heard kissing sounds?? maybe you could expla-”
grabbing and tucking your phone into your pocket, you open your door and exit out of your room. you would have beelined to the kitchen if it weren’t for nicholas standing nonchalantly beside your door, his head down as his hair covers his eyes. you would have shaken the thought of your roommate hearing you gag over him – as the bathroom was right beside your room – if it weren’t for the huge smirk glued to his face. you felt your heart drop. 
“so I can only steal your heart at night? why not during the day?” it finally happened; your worst nightmare came alive.
“I- oh my god!” you shout in disbelief, your hands over your ears to cancel out nicholas’s teasing sounds. “shut up, weirdo!” 
“weirdo?! how am I a weirdo?”
“why were you listening to my conversations, you weirdo?!”
“why were you shouting about your “super hot” roommate, you weirdo?!” nicholas playfully sticks out his tongue, still tension overtaking the living room. it’s like fumes were steaming out of your ears, anger at your brain for failing to come up with a response in a timely manner, and at the boy staring at you with a smug look. without thinking, you grab the nearest object within your reach, luckily a pillow, and launch it at your victim.
the outcome made you want to cry.
not only did nicholas dodge your attack, he grabbed your arm just as you were about to lose your balance, the impact causing him to fall back onto the couch with you straddled on his lap. 
his head lands on the cushions, nicholas’s neck on display as his adam's apple bobs to the rhythm of his laughter. oh, were you glad he was enjoying this, kitty punches arriving on his shoulder as you frown deeply. the boy keeps your hands on his shoulders when you're about to remove them, his own moving to rest on your thighs. 
“well, isn’t this all you ever dreamed of?” nicholas gives you one of his stupidly handsome smiles. 
“just forget about what I said,” you look down in defeat, a whine leaving your roommates lips.
“why?” 
“it’s embarrassin-” 
“cute.” nicholas corrects you, using his finger to lift your chin, brushing the hair away from your eyes. “it’s so stinking cute,” he whispers when your gaze locks. you notice how he glances at your lips ever so often, biting his own to hold him back. from what? “you know, what you said really upset me.”
“what did I say? I’m so sorry you felt uncomfor-”
“I can only steal your heart at night?” a sigh leaves your lips, in relief he wasn’t actually mad at anything you said, and in disappointment because he was using your words against you. “why not during the day?” nicholas repeats, his eyebrows knitted together in confusion.
“you don’t do anything heart throbbing during the day, I guess,” you shrug, knowing that was a massive lie.
“nu-uh,” he shakes his head before saying in a husky tone, “I can steal your heart anytime I want.” 
and it happened. 
nicholas lips pressed against yours, your hands tightening their hold on his shoulders. the loving strokes he gave your body didn’t help the swarms of butterflies fluttering in your stomach, the pads of his thumbs rubbing slow circles on your sides as he swallowed your gasps. his lips were languid against yours, the softness wanting you to melt. you could feel him smile as he broke the kiss, a huge grin painted on his face.
he was shy.
his eyes, which were in tiny crescents, avoided yours as he laughed. his ears were blood red, the color traveling to his neck. he looked so flustered. 
“kawaii~” he giggles under his breath. apparently you were pretty red from the kiss too, his hands intertwining with yours as he pecked the back of them, whispering to himself, “I can steal your heart anytime I want..”
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︴bonus! somehow a drabble turned into 1k words.... heh. dude my husband yes he is my husband, yes i am delusional decided to go live when i was in school?? luckily i could still watch him as i worked and i heard him say "i can steal your heart whenever i want" and i went oh.. ohh. it also didnt help i felt so fluttery (?) at the time so i immediately opened a google doc and started typing 💀 honestly did not expect me to spend 4 hours ACTUALLY writing this instead of giving up. i need some w's in the chat pls
▸ taglist 📬 @cherrycolaberry , @wtfisgoingright , @slytherinshua
🎬 navi
@chiiyuuvv on tumblr . do not steal works/headers/line dividers
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taesanrot · 7 months ago
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[heavy] sunghoon x f!reader | 2.1k words exes to lovers, second chance, angst syn. ever since you broke up with your long term boyfriend, park sunghoon, he's been heavy on your mind. foolishly, you try to move on, but seeing him at a party reminds you why you can't let him go. note. i've been wanting to start a series based on songs i've been listening to recently! this is the second and hopefully not last fic in this collection lol. also this was kinda supposed to be a implied college au but im now realizing the setting is kinda vague so imagine it as you like :)
now playing: heavy by the marías
"cause i don't wanna be in love with another, even in another life."
sipping your drink, you wished so dearly to drown out the memories that played in your head like a broken record.
you were fine. everything was fine. you told yourself what you told everyone.
you were done with park sunghoon. it was for the better.
but even the loud drunken screams from your friends and the even louder music at this party couldn't make the words in your head stop playing over and over. you closed your eyes and tilted your face to the ceiling.
...
"let's go our separate ways." your emotionless voice contrasted with your tear streaked cheeks.
"y/n, what? what do you mean?" sunghoon's voice shook with confusion.
"i mean, let's break up."
"break up? baby i'm not breaking up with you over this." he stepped forward to grab your hand but you just crossed them in front of your chest.
"i'm tired of fighting! we're clearly not right for each other." your voice almost broke at the end, making sunghoon want to cry.
"couples fight all the time, you know we've both been really stressed lately, let's talk about this another time. when we're both feeling better." he tried and tried to reason with you, but your mind was set, and both of you knew that.
...
you felt stupid, then and now. it had been one month since you'd last seen your ex boyfriend, and you were a wreck. foolishly, you'd blamed everything going wrong on him, thinking that getting rid of your relationship would alleviate your stress. but sunghoon left a gaping hole in you, and suddenly it was like you were frozen.
the pain was unbearable, bu you were stubborn. you kept your head up, moving through night and day. you were a shell of yourself, but you were still standing.
you began to go out, your friends dragging you out of your apartment in an effort to cheer you up.
you tried and tried to move on. but talking to other guys made you feel sick. they didn't have his fluffy hair, his cute and pointy smile, or his pretty voice.
tonight was the same, you nursed a drink in your arms as you tried to forget everything.
"what are you thinking about, pretty?" you opened your eyes, nearly dropping your drink in shock as you turned towards the voice. you were face to face with a taller boy. he had dark hair and even darker eyes.
"nothing." you weren't going to get into your ex with a random guy at a party.
"i'm jisung, by the way." you smiled slightly as he introduced himself, trying to be polite. he seemed sweet enough, but you wished you were doing anything but talking to a flirty guy right now.
"i'm y/n." you replied, struggling to maintain your sanity and composure with the alcohol flowing in your veins. you kept up conversation for a bit longer, making an excuse that your friend was sick so you could finally make your escape.
finding your best friend, yunah, you tapped her shoulder to get her attention away from the music.
"y/n? what's up?" she grabbed your hand as she spoke, swinging it back and forth drunkenly. you smiled, gesturing to the back door.
"gonna go sit outside, need some air." she nodded and waved as you walked away.
what neither of you saw was sunghoon. he'd arrived not more than 15 minutes ago, with his friends jake and heeseung.
"dude, is that who i think it is?" jake blurted the moment they walked through the door. the 3 boys watched you talk to some taller guy with dark blue hair. sunghoon wished he didn't care, but truthfully he couldn't look away.
you were beautiful, wrapped in a black dress. you always looked angelic to him, always making his stomach burst with butterflies.
looking at you right now, his stomach was burning with a different emotion. he was green with envy watching another guy flirt with you when you should've been with him. the only thing that quelled his dread was the look on your face. he could see from miles away how uncomfortable you were, arms crossed tensely and face painted with a fake smile, one that didn't reach your eyes.
sunghoon wanted to be a respectful ex-boyfriend. he didn't contact you. he gave you your space after your breakup, even though he knew how stupid your fight was. he loved you, enough to respect what you wanted.
but watching you duck away from the blue haired boy and walk out the back door, sunghoon couldn't stop himself. he downed the rest of his drink, wincing at the burning feeling his throat before pushing through the crowd to get to the back door.
the night air soothed the growing dread within you a bit, but you were still left with a nauseating feeling. the same one you always felt when you talked to guys that weren't him.
slumping against the fence, you held your head in your hands, combing your fingers through your hair roughly. dizzily, you crouched on the ground, wishing you could just disappear. or even better, teleport to your bed.
“y/n?” your reaction was delayed as you slowly searched for the source of the voice.
in all his glory, park sunghoon stood before you, looking down at your crouched figure with concern.
“god, sunghoon. what are you doing here?” you groaned, sincerely wishing you were just hallucinating all of this. wishing that the first time you were seeing your ex boyfriend since the breakup wasn’t when you were a drunken mess.
god, today was seriously the worst.
crouching next to you, he reached out a hand to move some of your hair from your face. he leaned in front of you so he could see your face, while you stubbornly trained your eyes at the ground.
you were scared that if you even made eye contact with him for too long, everything would fall apart.
“are you okay? how much did you drink?” he spoke softly, his voice melting in your ears and warming your chest.
you wanted to cry, throat tightening at the feeling of him doting on you. you didn’t say anything, just nodding.
sunghoon could tell you didn’t want to be there just as much as he didn’t. normally, on a night like this, the two of you would be watching a movie together or baking or just laying in his bed and scrolling through one of your phones.
“do you wanna leave?” he asked, hand falling onto your shoulder and rubbing small circles. you nodded again, pushing your hands on the ground to stand up. you didn’t let sunghoon help you as he stood up, stumbling slightly as you stood up fully.
as the two of your walked out the back entrance, you looked at the boy in confusion as he began walking in the same direction as you.
“i’m not leaving you alone out here, let me make sure you get home.” you looked back at the ground, mumbling back a small okay and thank you, trying to ignore the words threatening to spill from your lips.
the walk to your apartment was filled with a thick silence, the only audible noises being the hum of the streetlights. A rough gust of wind caused your skin to fill with goosebumps, the cold breeze hugging your frame.
sunghoon noticed, almost quicker than you did. wordlessly, he dropped his leather jacket over your shoulders. you knew you should protest, but to be truthful, you missed him more now than ever.
when you didn't say anything or move at all, sunghoon stepped in front of you, gently unwrapping your arms and putting them into the sleeves of his jacket for you.
you stared at the cracked sidewalk, heavy tears threatening to fall from your eyes. his jacket was warm, and so big that you were practically swimming in it. his hands were warm too. and so was his voice, as he softly asked you if you were feeling less chilly.
you still refused to utter a word, not out of stubbornness but out of fear that your voice would betray you. after everything you did, after how bad you hurt him, sunghoon was still here, walking you home and taking care of you like he always did. like nothing had changed.
"y/n." sunghoon spoke a little louder, tilting your chin up so you looked him in the eye. "i said are you cold?"
the end of his question died in the back of his throat as your teary eyes came into view. he dropped his hand, eyebrows furrowing with worry.
"hey, hey, what happened?" his voice instantly softened. you couldn't do anything but shake your head, the tears finally trailing down your cheeks. sunghoon's thumb made contact with your cold cheek, wiping away the tears as the fell.
"y/n, please, tell me what's wrong." he almost sounded defeated, voice laced with concern that made you want the earth to swallow you whole. your chest ached.
"i'm sorry, i'm so sorry, hoon." his head tilted in confusion at your apologies. he opened his mouth to respond.
"why are you apologizing?" you sniffled, tears still wetting your pink cheeks.
"im so stupid. i pushed you away because i just hated fighting and i thought that was the only way to make things better. but i can't-" you voice broke slightly and you took a second to breathe in. your eyes were screwed shut, refusing to look at sunghoon.
"i can't see myself with anyone else. i don't want to see myself with anyone else. any guy i talk to i just compare to you and it makes me feel sick. i know i can't but i've been trying so hard to move on because i'm scared that you hate me for hurting you and being so dumb." when you slowly opened your eyes, sunghoon pulled you into his chest.
your cheek was pressed against his white shirt, tears wetting the fabric as he held you tightly. he shoved his face into your hair, breathing in and relishing the feeling of you in his arms again.
"sunghoon?" you asked, voice muffled by his chest.
"i could never hate you." he mumbled into your hair. he pulled away and you saw him smiling, eyes crinkling as he tucked a strand of your hair away and wiped the last of your tears. your nose and cheeks were red both from the cold and from crying; sunghoon thought you looked adorable.
"for the past month haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. about us. how i should’ve fought harder to make you stay.” he laughed dryly as he spoke. “the only reason i even went to that party was because i might get to see you again.”
more than anything, it warmed sunghoon’s heart to see how much you still cared for him. all this time he was scared he was the only one still hung up on your relationship.
“i love you so much, i don’t care if we fight or if we go through a few rough patches. i only want you.” his voice softened slightly and he looked at you like you were the only two people in the world.
“you’re not mad at me?” you mumbled, hand crinkling the fabric of his tshirt as you clutched his side. shaking his head, he grinned.
“why would i be? you came back to me.” you smiled for what felt like the first time that night, hand instinctively covering your face. sunghoon pulled your hand down, wanting to see your shy smile. he loved when you were like this, shy and bashful. it made his heart nearly explode in his chest.
“can i kiss you?” he asked, intertwining your hands. you nodded gently, closing your eyes as sunghoon leant closer to you.
his lips were warm and soft, just like you remembered. your mouths fit together like puzzle pieces, molding to each other perfectly. sunghoon’s arms slipped under his jacket that you were still wearing, hands wrapping around your waist.
you were flush against his chest, feeling his heartbeat against your skin and his teeth sink into your bottom lip. as your fingers curled into the fabric of his shirt, you swore to yourself that you’d never let park sunghoon go again.
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coeurify · 2 years ago
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I have no idea how this would fit into an storyline but I am a hoe for fake dating. Imagine fake dating with abby and it slowly becoming too real
UGH YOU GET ME FAKE DATING IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE TROPES!!
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⋆˚✿˖° now, abby anderson had a problem. specifically a blonde, brown eyed loud mouthed man of a problem. owen fucking moore. she had broken up with him in the summer time, little explanation given to the ass of a boyfriend other than that she needed to “find herself.” (not that she needed to give any.)
⋆˚✿˖° but owen? oh owen didn’t accept that. so from the very moment abby had broken it off, to when the air began to smell like fall.. he pestered abby. asked for a reason, begged for another chance (despite HIM going around with damn near every girl on the WLF compound.)
⋆˚✿˖° things came to a head at a get together in one of abby and owen’s mutual friend’s apartment style quarters. mutual friend who also happened to be your roommate.
⋆˚✿˖° abby and owen fought all night, abby’s cheeks red from embarrassment and anger, eyebrows furrowed together. “why can’t you just take no for an answer owen?“ the cup in her hand crackled a bit under the pressure when the man scoffed. “because you never give me a real answer!” abby’s arms crossed at that, searching around the room. quickly, and maybe a little impulsively, she shrugged. “i’m into someone else now.”
⋆˚✿˖° owen just couldn’t accept that, his arms thrown around dramatically. “so you like another guy? that’s why you wont give me another chance? you know i can treat you better.” that sentence alone reminded abby just why she hated being with him so much, but again that fast moving brain of hers spoke before the thought could finish, finger pointing in the direction of the first person she found.. you. “it’s not a guy. it’s a girl. im not.. into your..” abby made a motion, “species anymore.” sure, it was sort of true. abby recently realized she probably had a thing for girls, but you particularly? she couldn’t count on her fingers the amount of conversations she had with. “i like her.”
⋆˚✿˖° you, who’s head poked up, mouth full of slightly stale chips, having heard the whole conversation. abby anderson, beautiful, funny, madeyouweakintheknees, abby anderson was into you? and not straight? surely not. you swallowed harshly, deciding to play into whatever game abby seemed to have set on the floor. you made your way over, an award winning smile on your face as owen’s mouth dropped open further than a damn infected. “You like her? as in girls?”
⋆˚✿˖° honestly, you probably caused more trouble when you stood near the two, “abs!” you grinned, “you forgot your jacket here.. cmere ill grab it for you.” and then your hand is wrapped around her tensed bicep, the stiffness likely caused by her pure shock you even played along. still, she used it as an out from the devil with blonde locks, shrugging almost apologetically at owen before letting you whisk her away.
⋆˚✿˖° and that night, after everyone but you and abby had stumbled out of the cramped room, which was still humid and heavy, you made the plan. with a pen that had little ink left, scratching against the water damaged pages of the notebook you tucked under your pillow, you wrote the words “project get rid of owen moore.” which ok, in retrospect sounded really bad. but you were a little tipsy.
⋆˚✿˖° the plan was easy. play the role of abby’s first girlfriend, convince owen she was totally not into him or men anymore. what did you get out of it? a spot on the top dog abby anderson’s patrol team. something you had been vying for this year. abby agreed, although a little hesitantly. she promised she had picked you only because its who her pointed finger found first. not any actual attraction. you swallowed down the hit to your ego that brought.
⋆˚✿˖° and honestly? the plan went on pretty steadily. you were a damn good fake girlfriend if you had to admit it, and abby didn’t hate being around you. in fact, she really enjoyed being around you. she enjoyed how easily your fingers reached down, tapping on her palm to fing a way to hold her hand whenever one of owen’s posey was around. she enjoyed how you leaned in whenever owen passed by, your lips on her ear, whispering anything you knew would have her smiling. a fake smile of course.
⋆˚✿˖° you two had some pretty strict rules. no kissing, no extreme touchiness, absolutely no spilling to anyone this was fake, and the most important.. no real feelings. you had come up with a backstory, one you two had studied together. (you two met in the training room after your roommate introduced you two and totally hit it off. abby got you a spot on her team next to her and manny, and feeling bloomed from there.) abby added in a few details she knew would piss owen off.. and you sealed your lips shut to follow the rules.
⋆˚✿˖° the first few weeks were easy. you liked spending time around abby. you enjoyed how she smiled, you laughed at all the jokes she cracked (for the fake dating points of course..), and you loved training with her. you had to ignore the shiver her hands on your shoulders or waist gave, knowing it was just to help your position. “you have to fix your stance if you plan on fighting scars..” abby huffed.
⋆˚✿˖° the problem started in october. a month and a half into your fake dating plan. tens of lunches spent alone together, a handful of new hair styles you begged to try on abby, and around 5 missions out of the base, in. there was a party, one you demanded the two of you go to one day as you lounged on abby’s bunk— watching as she cleaned up manny’s mess across the room. “if we dress up together, owen will totally finally get off your case,” you assured, bringing a loud sigh from the blonde. “oh my god.. fine.”
⋆˚✿˖° you went as a angel and devil, simple enough to easy stitch together some devil horns for yourself and an angel halo you found in an old broken down store in the city for abby. no way did you admit the trouble you went for to find it to abs, especially not as she easily pulled her shirt off in front of you, totally clueing you in to where the nickname came from as she shoved on the white teeshirt.
⋆˚✿˖° see, the no kissing rule was an important one, but vodka made everything seem less important, and owen was awfully loud that night, scoffing any time you smiled and leaned into your angel, head band tilting off your head, which abby fixed with a grin. “you two act more like friends than people fucking each other,” owen scoffed as he pressed by you two, the words pounding in abby’s ears over the loud mingling voices.
⋆˚✿˖° “kiss me,” abby called over the old cd that played on the speakers, her cheeks red with anger— blue eyes flicking around. “what?” you laughed, thinking back to rule number 1. “i know we said no— no kissing but i just.. oh my god just kiss me,” abby muttered, her large hands gripping your cheeks and pulling you in for a kiss, one she was sure owen was watching on to. one you melted into, sucking her lip in between yours.
⋆˚✿˖° that had been a breaking point, ragged breaths and heated necks as you pulled away. it lead to more excuses with less validity being used when the two of you stared at each other’s lips. stepping down the stairs of the base, eyes catching on someone who just looked like owen. “kiss me,” abby muttered quickly, and you wasted no time to turn your head and fill your nose with the scent of pine as you leaned in.
⋆˚✿˖° the no kissing rule crossed off right before the no touchiness one did, that one had been scribbled off completely when abby began pulling you into her lap in group functions, one soft hand rubbing up against your side as she whispered in your ear, “jus’ for show.”
⋆˚✿˖° just for show of course, but you screamed into your pillow for so long that night you almost thought the walls of your room would crumble down along with the barrier you put between you and the blonde.
⋆˚✿˖° kisses and touchiness turned to nights spent in abby’s room, mornings waking up and having abby’s shirt thrown at your face. “wear that, owen got it for me when we were dating.” sure, you probably should be ashamed to be wearing the clothes of a girl who didn’t like you, but the frown on owen’s face made it worth it.
⋆˚✿˖° that last rule, the one that didn’t have pen strokes over the letters, the one locked behind awkward coughs and side glances, well you weren’t sure who broke it first. you dont know why feelings came into play, but you sure do know it happened.
⋆˚✿˖° you felt it first when abby didn’t talk to you for a few days. you saw her across the stadium with nora, her head tilted back lightly in a laugh at something the other girl said. that was the first time you felt the needle sized ache in your heart, one that only ripped further when owen shoulder checked you on his way by, “better get your girl. she slips away easily.”
⋆˚✿˖° maybe that rule had been broken when abby stormed into your room, met with the sight of you on the couch with some other blonde girl, an old tape of a southern movie mid way through when anderson scoffed and demanded the girl get out. she did so in a hurry, scrambling for her sweatshirt as a frown grew on your lips. “abby what the fuck?” you scoff, watching her eyebrows unfurrow lightly. “you can’t have other girls over! it fucks with our plan,” she accused, though she stumbled lightly over the words. “she’s just a friend, abby.”
⋆˚✿˖° however, the night you sat in your bed, breath heavy and eyes stinging as you broke through the paper with the pen, scratching over the words “no real feelings,” that came in the end of november.
⋆˚✿˖° your head was pressed into abby’s shoulder, yawning and closing your eyes as the movie played on a big sheet, a biweekly occurrence in the WLF base. abby had pressed to your cheek, placing a kiss to it that had some sort of butterfly attack take fruition in your stomach. you two didn’t even know if owen or his friends were around, and they for sure were not the reason of abby’s hand linking into yours as you two walked toward her room later that night. you both seemed to realize that when you reached her door and she leaned forward just lightly, as if to kiss you.
⋆˚✿˖° she cleared her throat, licking over the lips you wanted to capture again. “i think-” she said suddenly, squeezing her eyes closed. “i think owen really believes it now.” you could feel your heart sinking to the empty stomach that laid below your chest, knowing what came next. “i think we should break up.” abby finished, quick to add, “fake break up.”
⋆˚✿˖° you nodded along silently to the story she built still standing in her doorway. miscommunication, arguments, differing plans, the whole shebang— anything to make the breakup believable. you agreed, but the moment her door shut, a half smile and thank you sitting on her lips as the door locked, you felt the tears prick your eyes.
⋆˚✿˖° you wiped quickly at the tears, your hand slapped over the aching chest you swore betrayed you. you sucked in shallow breaths, shaky hands finding your own door as your vision went blurry.
⋆˚✿˖° as your pen broke through the white sheet of paper, you cursed your own heart. you cursed it for being so easy to rip from your chest, presented on a platter for a blonde who only saw it as a fake replica. you threw the notebook across the floor, hand slapping over your mouth so your roommate wouldn’t wake as you sobbed into it. surely you had been the only one to break that rule, but that didn’t matter now.
⋆˚✿˖° but you were wrong. not that you could know that. a five minute walk away, abby breathed out slowly as her fingers scraped though the braid she was undoing, an odd stinging pricked at the corner of her lashes. she knew she did the right thing. she knew it as soon as her lips searched for your own at her doorway tonight. so why did it feel so bad? why did her hands tremble as she pulled out her blanket and climbed under it, squeezing her eyes shut.
⋆˚✿˖° if this was all fake, why did the break up feel so real?
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vigilxnte-shit · 4 months ago
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anxiety || matt murdock x reader
tuna-tober day 9
summary: inside out 2
word count: 815
warnings: BYE im finishing this half asleep at one am with 50 mg of zoloft in my system it’s not edited at all and also there is obviously anxiety mentions i might delete this in the morning okay bye 
a/n: largely based on my own experiences with anxiety so i hope i didn’t make it too specific!
this is an 18+ blog. minors dni. || masterlist
it started with your sleep schedule. 
you’d never been an early riser, staying up until the sunlight since you had learned how to read when you were six, always one to prefer the quiet and the dark to invasive sunlight and early-morning birdsong. the night had become a friend, a peaceful state in which you got to just be. you’d survived high school on four hours of sleep a night- that was how much you loved your quiet hours. 
but you weren’t in high school anymore. one four-hour night now rendered you a dysfunctioning zombie, and that was the most sleep you’d gotten in a single night this week. you’d spent your time at the office blinking a lot and picking up a fresh coffee cup every two hours. foggy had needed to take your fourth brew out of your hands, insisting he could practically hear your heartbeat, and it was about to jump out of your chest at this acceleration rate. 
you had walked home with matt, as per usual, hand in his as you “guided” him through the streets. he was good at keeping up the blind act, and you used that to zero in. you watched him tap his cane back and forth, nodded along to his stories, and threw in the occasional “yeah.” it was almost embarrassing, the way he was leading you instead, but your mind was not on the new york sidewalk with him. 
“is everything alright?” he’d asked at dinner, concern written in his sightless eyes. you’d just nodded and taken your next bite, taking your time chewing. 
“just a little anxious, is all.” 
he’d already known that. it was almost too obvious, actually, between the lack of sleep and the zoning out and the rising heart rate, but he hadn’t wanted to press. instead, he’d left for patrol with the best reassurances he could give you: that he’d be safe and back before you knew it, that he loved you and that he couldn’t wait to be back in your bed, but when he snuck out the window, the last shreds of your sanity clung to the tails of his black mask. when the devil left, the remaining demons were always harder to deal with. 
“do they hate me?” you thought. “karen and foggy. do they actually like me or do they just tolerate my presence for matt?” no, you reminded yourself, they’re my friends, they at least like me…
and the flood gates were opened. 
did they actually like you, or was it just courtesy? did you come up in conversations over beer at josies, and if you did, was it in a positive light? did they think you were incompetent? you certainly thought so- the way you still couldn’t figure out legal strategy, the way your messed up sleep patterns sometimes had you file things incorrectly. maybe you had answered a call incorrectly. wait, the phone lines had gone down a couple of days ago- maybe it was a miscommunication. they wouldn’t hold that against you, right? actually, on that note, had those been plugged in again properly? what if there was a fault in the wire? was the office on fire? no. that was ridiculous. you could check in the morning…you could call matt. he could stop by and check. of course you could, he’d be more than happy to, because he loved you.
…right?
that was the thought you couldn’t move past. the one that kept you awake, staring at your ceiling, analyzing every detail of every interaction you and matt had recently shared. he didn’t seem off, at least not in any typical matt sense, but maybe he was hiding it. how could he ever love someone who talked so much, who thought too much, who-
“sweetheart.” 
his low, gravelly voice instantly pulled you out of your stupor. 
“matty?” you asked softly. “you’re back early.” 
“couldn’t leave,” he admitted. “i’ve been outside the window. didn’t like how fast you were breathing.”
that was all he had to say. that was matt speak for “i know you need me”. you watched as he slowly changed, stripping down as casual as ever before pulling on a clean pair of boxers and jumping in bed with you. 
without a word, you snuggled up to his chest. he held you close against him, his hand cupping your skull in a protective gesture. 
“we gotta figure this out,” he said softly. “get you some meds, or a therapist, or something.” 
you nodded. you didn’t have the energy for anything else. 
with a smile and a soft kiss to your temple, he whispered to you. 
“close your eyes. let’s rest that pretty head, yeah? we’ll talk about this in the morning.” 
but his sentence was only heard by the surrounding air, filled with the sounds of your even breath. 
the best medicine for your racing heart was his.
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ceoandslutler · 3 months ago
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Shit i hope u get depression then slit ur wrist open u child loving fucktard
On god a drunk driver needs to smash u in between a tree before u rape a kid, you fr need to die
Fucking nasty ass pedo, literally Diddy Jr fucking off urself u pedo cunt
this doesn't really affect me but it's kinda funny how it's not ending. anyway in light of this happening, i would like to remind you that i am a real person.
hi, my name is sayé, im an adult gen z who's currently studying in university. i was born, raised and live in london and have two parents i love a lot. i also have a lot of friends but i used to be badly self conscious when i was a child so i tried to be more confident/reach out to others and ended up making friends with lots of different types of people.
my favourite colour is purple but i also like gray (if you couldn't tell lol). i really like queen esp a night at the opera and a day at the races (my fave albums!!) and have a huge crush on freddie mercury. also im a loser who listens to bts and have their posters in my room next to freddie 😭 i can do a mean serve and play really good tennis so much that in secondary school i was banned from serving during PE. i suck at baking but my best friend is an avid baker (so is my mum). BUT i can cook a delicious minted steak. my mum scolds me for always making my food too spicy. my dad always brings me a red bull whenever he sees me and loves ruffling my hair. my mum and i watch horror movies together every week (but my dad is too scared to watch them). i buy homeless people food whenever i can. i really want a cat but i don't have time for one. my favourite holiday is nowruz but i also love christmas because the street decorations in london are so nice. like most brits, i love princess diana but hate the monarchy. i used to watch "a place in the sun" often (british telly win). speaking of, i adore 5 oclock in the morning by lily allen. it's one of my favourite songs. fun fact i adore playing rhythm games and im really good at mobile ones but suck at osu!, also i may be addicted to dave the diver 😭 i love seafood, esp smoked basa, my mum fries it for me every nowruz (since fish and herb rice is our cultural new years' dish)
here's some of my most recent conversations w different friends that aren't too personal (no hate to law students LMAO)
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i am a "normal" person. i live a "normal"* life. if you saw me face to face, you would not say this to me.
*by normal i just mean everyday, obviously norms are just social constructions but ykwim
if you saw a young adult w their friends, you wouldn't have the gall to even approach them.
if you saw me out w my sweet middle aged parents, you would think we're just a happy family.
i am a real human being.
i was part of this fandom since i was a kid. this blog is new but it does not contain anything explicit about fictional children/minors doing sexual acts. because i am not interested in that personally. it doesn't mean i will police anyone who does want to see that kind of content however because fiction is not real.
people telling me to die doesn't hurt me. but that doesn't mean others won't be hurt. my mental strength is not a pass for you to tell me or anyone to die.
i am a real person and so is everyone on this website.
anons need to remember that.
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jaidens · 8 months ago
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JAIDEN I BEG OF YOU I AM IN WITHDRAW OF BRADLEY BRADSHAW CONTENT THE WAY YOU WRITE IT, I NEED MY HAWAIIN SHIRT LOVIN, SASSY MAN <333
summer sand & strawberries
a/n : i want to apologize for my absence, and i just havent been looking at tumblr at all! im backkk now! also, i consider beautiful an everyone term! so this can be read from anyones pov! also this is trash 😣
He knew you as Hangman’s friend.
That’s all he knew. He knew you were neighbors with the pilot until he left for the academy. Bradley knew small details, and whatever Hangman had told him about you. It never occurred to him that you were beyond small mentions and a game of pool.
The first time he saw you was at the bar, sitting next to Jake with a drink in your hand as you hold a conversation about your career with a random pilot. Bradley couldn’t say he wasn’t listening in as he sips from his cheap beer. Jake excused himself for a invitation to a game of darts. Bradley swears his legs move on their own as he walks up to you, his hand extended for you to shake.
“Bradshaw. Bradley Bradshaw.” He says with a smile, and you return it with a shake. You tell him your name in the same order. Bradley walks away in a sort of embarrassment. That ended the introduction with a confused look on your face and a hand left in the air.
The next time he sees you is an outing with the team. Everyone had brought a plus one, excluding Bradley in his lonesome. Through the night, Jake had found his new dancing partner for that night, and you were left sipping on punch and standing against the wall. Once more, Bradley’s legs take him to where you are.
He’s left in front of you, an awkward smile and his hands in his pockets.
“So.., nice night..?” He fills the awkward silence.
You give him a small laugh and a nod of your head. “Quite nice, why haven’t I seen you recently?”
Bradley laughs. “I’ve been pretty busy. Can I get to know more about you?” He responds.
“Yeah, I get it. I wanna know more about you too, Bradshaw.” Maybe it was shameless flirting, but how could you not? You thought he was quite cute that night at the bar, and seeing him outside of his uniform made it even better. “Ask any questions you want, I’m an open book.”
“So, what’s your favorite fruit?” Bradley asks.
“Strawberries. What’s your favorite season, Bradshaw?” You respond.
“Definitely summer. I love going to the beach and just sitting out. I hate staying inside.”
The rest of the night was filled with random questions and stories until the outting had finished with. You said bye to Bradley with a wave and a smile as you entered d into the Uber you had ordered.
Eventually, you saw him for another time on the beach. He was sitting on a towel with his eyes shut, beach air pulling through his hair.
“Hey.” You say quietly, holding a basket and looking down at him.
“Oh, hey! What’re you doing out here?” Bradley asks, looking up at you through his Ray-Bans.
“I was gonna have lunch out here. I packed a lot.” You responded, a soft laugh escaping you.
“Well, hey! Come sit, I have an extra beach towel.” Bradley grabs it from his bag and sets it out against his. You sit down, putting your bag in the middle of you two. You take out a box of strawberries, opening it and taking one out and taking a bite of it.
“How have you been doing? How’s everything treating you?” Bradley asks, taking a strawberry out and having his own bite of one.
“Everything is going really well. I’ve enjoyed my vacation here!” You smile, and grab another strawberry.
“You’re really beautiful.” Bradley says as he looks at you. “I mean, truly you are.”
He caught you completely off guard.
Your eyes widen, and you almost choke on your strawberry. “Bradley, what?” Whether you felt your cheeks heat up, Bradley ultimately made you feel better than anyone had only after a few interactions.
“You heard me. You’re beautiful.”
Bradley only reminded you of salt air. With his coconut shampoo he told you was his favorite, or his obsession with living near the beach. You had thought about him more than anything. Or his favorite type of shirt being a button up Hawaiian one, he was definitely a silly person.
“Sorry, crap. I just had to tell you.”
You shake away his apology, a soft smile on your cheeks. “You’re beautiful too, Bradshaw.” You take a bite of your strawberry, giving him a bright smile. Bradley’s cheeks are a light dusting of pink.
You lean over and your head lies against his shoulder. The ocean was beautiful, and the strawberries had been gone quite fast. Maybe Bradley ate his slower to better savor the moment a bit longer.
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genderkoolaid · 1 year ago
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hi! your blog's been encouraging to me as a trans guy, but i've recently felt that i should no longer call myself that/should just "go back to" being a girl, and idk if my train of thought makes any sense...so i just wanted to ask someone w more experience (but feel free to ignore this rant/call me out if im not making sense btw)
so yeah, my cousin's been out to me as a (binary) trans man for a few years now, and in trying to find understanding, i came out to him a few months later, but got a very flat/kinda disgusted reaction. despite my consistent support for him over the years, he has continued to "joke" about my looks/short hair and dismisses any attempts at serious conversations or even just jokes about gender/being a guy too. he also calls me things ive told him makes me uncomfortable (gender-wise) and then acts like it means nothing. he generally brushes me off by telling me to stop trying to compare myself to him, and is either prickly about it or just in-your-face "idgaf what you're talking about and i'm tired of you." it barely hurts me anymore, but ive felt connected to trans-ness for so many years (longer than id even known he was too) and his reaction to this part of me has honestly made me wonder if i'm just making it up/am trying too hard or something,,,like maybe i'm just trying to cover for being a gross 20-somethings woman ?? idk ?
i'm probably just being over-sensitive, and i dont feel it's outright malicious or anything (maybe he just doesn't think/care about it as much as me?), but i have nobody else to ask (no irl friends/people im out to) and i'm currently renting/living with him, which has brought these worries to the forefront. thanks if youve read this far, but please don't feel pressured to respond!
Your cousin sounds like he has a lot of internalized transphobia he's directing at you. Unfortunately there are trans people who try to prop themselves up and make themselves feel more confident in their transness by tearing down others. You are not being over-sensitive, and regardless of what he thinks he's doing, he's actively being cruel to you. You are well within your rights to be hurt by his actions. Living with someone who is constantly being transphobic to you is traumatizing- detransitioning can be a coping method for those who have to constantly defend themselves from transphobic abuse.
If its possible, I would recommend trying to see if there are any queer orgs in your area you could connect with (physically or online). At the least, you may find some people who can give you emotional support, and they also may be able to find you a better living situation. Even if that's not possible right now, keep reminding yourself that his behavior is cruel and you are allowed to be upset about it. You do not need to take any of his opinions on your gender seriously. You are not making up your transness or trying too hard. You are not over-sensitive, you are being hurt.
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cupidthewriter · 1 month ago
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Friendship and tragedy (mouthwashing, wicked, other drabble)
(contains spoilers for "7 days before the crash" Mouthwashing) Before anyone asks, yes, J*mmy is the worst, he is deplorable. He's irredeemable. This is about his friendship with Curly.
pls comment your thoughts!
TLDR: I feel guilty when I write j*mmy and curly as being close friends pre-game events, bc he doesn't look 100% evil in Curly's eyes, even tho thats literally a major plot point in the game beyond the Anya related storyline. The Fact They're BEsties Matters.
Okay so im writing mouthwashing fanfic right now, but i also saw wicked recently and my whole youtube was filled with it. I've seen some stuff about both and so i wanted to write (this is not about a wicked au. this is about friendship as an element in the story)
there was a video by nique marina (love her btw) where she was remarking that everyone was acting like Glinda was a fake friend. It's easy to say that, yeah, but the fact of the matter is that they WERE best friends, and they DID love one another. That's what makes it a tragedy.
if they didn't actually care about one another, the tragedy is only shared between the audience and character, rather than the characters with one another. it removes a huge chunk of valuable context.
Now, onto Mouthwashing.
I do this thing where I write down every bit of dialogue from games when I'm writing fic because I want to use the scenes in my writing. Can't do the scene without the dialogue, right? I also read a lot of fanfiction. Reading makes me a better writer, I feel!
Anyway I was writing the transcript for the whole "7 days before the crash" chapter, and some of the dialogue that curly has reminds me of how I talk with my friends. Hearing that they said something ridiculous, laughing, and teasing them about it later.
"horses? HAH-" *later* "so tell me abt these horses. is this a RECENT development or were u just BORN a bronie?? LMAO" Like TELL ME that is not absolutely best friend behavior.
And I was like, yeah, curly cares about J*mmy. He talks like that. but then i was forced to write down Jim's dialogue, and I realized their conversations in general- pre crash, of course- were those of good friends. its hard to write that though, because "how could jimmy have any good moments at all" he doesnt, but like noticing his friend isnt doing okay, joking around, being emotionally intelligent enough to come up with "why does it feel like youre stuck somewhere? something wrong?" feet in cement, yada yada.
Honestly J*mmy is emotionally intelligent (he has to be, to be as manipulative as he is) and he's delusional. SO he probably thinks he's a great friend, and cares about Curly a lot.
The fact they were friends, and probably best friends (and both thought of the other as one of their closest friends) matters They were friends, and it matters! its sadder if theyre friends! its more tragic if theyre friends!
But i feel like I can't write them as being as close as they probably were because itll look like i'm writing Jimmy in a positive light (because its from Curly's POV before the Tulpar). I mean, I'm going to write him however I want, but I thought this was an interesting conversation topic. and i kind of really miss my own best friend right now.
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abimee · 2 months ago
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deeply appreciate everyones support over the years but with the recent thing i want to remind whoever may have been here for a while that no matter how long youve been following me and no matter what you may think, you ultimately dont know me. If you relate to my art/posts thats wonderful and im very happy for that!!!! But just because you relate to my struggles/thoughts/art does not mean you know me intimately, and you dont know who i am or what i have.
I dont say this to alienate people but to remind you that theres always going to be a barrier between us and that we will never truly know each other, and to remember that before you approach me about anything or with the idea that we're friends/you know things about me. For all you know i can be straight up lying to you about anything, and again, i DO NOT say this to create some sort of doubt around me or to alienate people --- i say this to mean that you should not think of me as a friend, or that you know ''me'', purely through some tumblr posts. If you want to be my friend, you have to actually strike up conversation, send a letter to me or something, play ff14 with me, something that's not just staring at my text posts and claiming you've been around since my X days and have sent me Y amount of anon asks so of course we're besties. I have a small group of friends, and I know who they are, and they know who they are, and nobody else.
I will not name or identify this person, and if you go out of your way to look for them I will openly announce you as a harasser for forgoing my explicit confirmation that this person needs to be left alone --- but this past week, I had a confusing but ultimately harmless interaction with an indivitual tumblr follower, that when taken into privacy turned into a deeply invasive conversation, where a document was revealed to me having been written by this person about me, with an illustration of me inside, declaring multiple things about me that were not true, were not appropriate, and made me incredibly uncomfortable and stressed out. What this document was is nobody's business, but it was obviously written during some sort of mental health situation, and included the person invading my privacy regarding my ''alters''/personalities and believing many things about me, including marking me as a ''big brother'' to their ''little brother'', inadvertently implying I will become an ''introverted fascist'', and when I attempted to communicate with them my discomfort and that I wished to end the conversation they had continued to press me and send me strange messages. This was after being privately and publicly threatened as well. They eventually let the conversation end, but without any apology, and continued to @ me publicly as well.
This was, overall, an incredibly uncomfortable experience, and while I wish all the best for this person and what ever mental state they are in that made them do this, I am also allowed to be incredibly mad about it. Being threatened and then claimed to be the person's ''blood nephew'' in the same sentence is not the way to talk to someone, in an altered mental state or not.
But I do not want anything to come of this. I am airing out my discomfort and to show that people are way too comfortable treating me like shit, but if anybody goes out of their way to dig up who this person is and harasses/bothers them about this you are a piece of shit. Leave them alone, just like I asked them to do and have been doing in return. Let them deal with it on their own!
this is not an uncommon occurence, either. Back when I was discovering and dealing with what I now (and have known for years) was a case of delusional multiple personalities, I had complete strangers attempt to ''talk'' to these sides of myself or to ''get them out'' to talk. I, me, Rylan, have personally been pushed aside for these personalities, alongside people feeding into my delusions (with good intentions, but still,) purely because they got too comfortable with the idea of ''knowing'' me. I had been invited into a private discord server between me and two people, where the person (a mutual's) boyfriend broke down before me and started crying about how ''they'll never be as good as an artist'' as me, and I was made to be the target of this this self-destructive breakdown that was this person seeing me as ''above'' them and treating me on a pedestool. I have multiple times had people personally claim me as their friend and then never treat me with any respect, have had someone send me a death threat and harass me because they were a long-time follower who saw me as a friend until I made an off-hand harmless joke about their comfort character, and many more situations where I was placed into an uncomfortable situation purely because someone invaded my space/parasocialized a friendship between us as complete strangers, and then either made it my problem to deal with their low self esteem, or took it out on me when I did not act 100% to their liking.
I have been open with my Bipolar and my other mental disorders in the past because people wanted to know my experience, possibly help themselves consider something, but if being open creates situations like this then I won't do it anymore.
All I ask is some respect. I have been treated like shit since I was a teenager in highschool by complete strangers, and it's not healthy for me nor is it fun to feel like I'm constantly on the verge of having someone use their enjoyment of my art to treat me like some sort of bacteria on a petri dish, or the shit under their boots. I ask you leave me alone, dear god, just let me live and treat me with respect! I know who I am, and I want my privacy! If you want to be friends, you'll have to put actual work into it instead of just reblogging my art. Do not ever think you know anything about me unless I explictly confirm it. And please, dear god, let me rest! I'm tired of always having my privacy invaded! Please just act normal around me!
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zyafics · 3 months ago
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let's start by saying i love you and im gonna rant your eyes away sns
it's my theory about hb:l one i do think that sofia caused a problem between them and they are no longer friends because of her never mentioning she knew rafe maybe was even like in between what happened BUT she wasn't the main reason. I do think bc Rafe wants so bad to look good in Ward's eyes broke up with her when he told rafe she was a distraction and blah blah i can hear that conversation in my head and it makes me boil but it would make sense on why barry said the whole you didn't try the right way also i think sarah was a bit to blame in all this like bc she was texting rafe about how he should do the right thing and listen to ward. If it's just a Ward thing I would yes be more angry than him cheating bc BOY stand up to your ass father
i still think sofia has something to do with it but it was like a build up of situations that led her to be that evasive with rafe. yeah my brain is going 100 miles per hour trying to get answers
i love u adriana, lay it on me 🙂‍↕️
biting into my pillow rn because there's SO MUCH i wanna confirm and decline, but i cannot. some of ur theories is so strong too 😭 i love that ur considering the new element with ward, especially bc of this recent chapter but also pulling in sarah (🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️)! but let me remind yall, i DID say it can be so much worse 😈
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aroace-poly-show · 10 months ago
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OK so I know it isn't a vocaloid song but I've recently been thinking... and "Little Talks" by Of Monsters and Men is a h☆w song to me...
Like. Hear me out. It's a conversation between h☆w members trying to comfort each other
(The second lines – the "replies", I'm putting them as the other hw member I feel would work the best for that, but it could be full unit or member + vocaloid too)
I don't like walking around this old and empty house
(So hold my hand, I'll walk with you my dear)
So the first line could be both Emu and Tsukasa but... if u think of the Wonder Stage as a place Emu felt at home at, and the fact that now it's old, broken, in need of repairs and, most importantly, empty. Because no-one is performing there anymore and it's abandoned and closed down. So while Emu loves this place so much, it must still pain her to be there and see the state it's at
But then h☆w come and oh. there's someone actually at her side telling her it's OK to be upset over that and are willing to be with her and comfort her and fight with her for her dream. I put this as tsks because of - as i understand it - his involvement in reclaiming the Wonder stage later and him being the one encouraging hw to try again and being there for them constantly if uou get what I mean. Like he's holding their hands and saying to keep going, I'll be here with uou to support you
The stairs creak as you sleep, it's keeping me awake
(It's the house telling you to close your eyes)
Hngnhhh imagine if tsukasa, aside from the normal hw night activities, has trouble falling asleep if he hears any noises at the house at night becsuse he instantly feels this anxiety rise up in him that Something happened again and that in a second he'll hear rushed steps and painful breaths and it'll be another late night hospital visit and–
Also smth about the house being so quiet u can hear these sounds and that making him feel like he's alone bc it's so silent
But then he's reassured and reminded that. It's okay now. He's not alone and there's nothing wrong (and also to take care of himself and get enough sleep hshfh) I like to imagine this line as emu because she seems like the type who would say something so sweet and also whimsical like "it's the house's lullaby!" about the creaking or smth if she ever hears him maybe complain about it on call or something
And some days I can't even dress myself
It's killing me to see you this way
OIYHHH HW RUINENE.... Nene struggling with her appearance (I imagine she has trouble looking in the mirror sometimes... especially with the hair and all... maybe its unbrushed often because she doesn't want to think about it...)
And also her being so demotivated and with so much anxiety that she switched to homeschooling and sometimes just having the same clothes for days, maybe even not dressing up at all, staying at home all day because she's too scared of going out and meeting people and being judged... especially during the worst days
And oh rui who's been there for her the whole time and who sees all this and there's nothing that pains him more than seeing his best friend like this and who doesn't know how to help much and just wishes so much he could do something to comfort and help her out yknow...
'Cause though the truth may vary
This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore
This is just. All of hw. They're each others' safe space and they carry and support each other when one isn't strong enough to handle their struggles and no matter what might happen, this one fact doesn't change
There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back
Well, tell her that I miss our little talks
AND THEN RUI with his whole villanising himself because of all the rumours about him and what everyone around calls him, thinks about him that's made him give up shows because he's so scared of hurting someone else (im looking at u hw wonder halloween), so scared of dragging others into his mess, so scared of someone being treated wrong just because they're with him. Again. And he can't help this thinking and it's just completely freezing him
And again Nene. Who's also been there the whole time. Who remembers putting on shows together as kids and how happy they both used to be, how free rui was about his inventions and ideas, how fun it was just to talk and discuss their little plays and how she misses that. How she misses that Rui. But still she feels so guilty bc she blames herself for how he is toox and yet also wants to help him so so much too
Soon it will be over and buried with our past
HNNG.... WONDER STAGE... EMUS DREAMS AND HER GRANDPAS BASICSLLY BEING LEFT BEHIND WITH IT SHUTTINF DOWN...
We used to play outside when we were young
And full of life and full of love
Again ruinene kind of... looking back on how free and unbothered and they used to be in the past but how hard and empty it is now...and how much closer they were but now there's this rift between them because of this guilt they share and self depreciation and thinking they're at fault for everything and oughdhjh....
Also something about Tsukasa's dream – and himself tbh – being more "full of life & love" when he was younger bc he remembered the reason for his purpose. And his acting being more to play and make others happy than about not failing another audition and finally succeeding and being famous. And so he was more sincerely determined. And because he didn't experience all that failure yet so he was brighter. He didn't have all those darker thoughts and broken hopes and deeply etched loneliness making him unwilling to let himself open up about his struggles and let himself be loved too
Like he's still his enthusiastic self but. It's not the same as when he was younger. Am I making sense
Some days I don't know if I am wrong or right
Your mind is playing tricks on you, my dear
I honestly can't decide
It could be. And this is the most fitting to me? Emu with the Wonder stage worrying if she's even right for trying to fight for it and grandpa's dream becsuse that's "not right for the business" and "stupid" and "childish" and all but then hw joining her and making her realise its not just OK, it's worth it
It could be tsukasa with his dream? And the whole "u don't have what it takes to be a star" thing making him doubt himself and if he's even right for this and what else is his purpose even and was he wrong for fighting for all of this. And then rui woukd be replying bc of whatever the ruikasa scene ure planning for main story is
Could also be ruinene and their whole thinking they don't deserve the other and were they even right to do what they did foe the other in thr past? Nene agonising over inviting rui to that troupe which ended terribly and he was just ostracised more, rui over "rubbing off" his bad reputation on nene and ruining her relationship with the troupe bc he tried to protect her. Yknow. And idk how u plan for them to deal with all that but I'm guessing emukasa somehow help so they could be the reply. Or they could be replying to each other really bc they both feel guilty but also both try to reassure the other they did nothing wrong
The chorus is mostly vibes and could be sang by all of them but
Don't listen to a word I say (Hey)
The screams all sound the same (Hey)
These are just. ALL OF THEM being Physically Unable To Talk About Their Issues and brushing off the concern of others and thinking the others have it worse and they don't need help and everything. I hate them so much
But then
Though the truth may vary
This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore (hey, hey)
Already covered this but. Even despite everything they're still trying to support each other however they can and slowly helping others and also letting themselves open up and accept help
You're gone, gone, gone away, I watched you disappear
All that's left is a ghost of you
EMU 👏 AND 👏 HER 👏 UNPROCESSED 👏 GRIEF 👏 and pxl and the Wonder stage being the only thing that's left of her grandpa but all that still being taken away from her and on its way to disappear too. Like a ghost she can't touch or feel and almost doesn't feel real bc of how it's almost dead
Now we're torn, torn, torn apart, there's nothing we can do
Just let me go, we'll meet again soon
Just. Ruinene. And their screwed up relationship. And both thinking it can never rly be fixed bc they'll always feel too guilty themselves and like they'll just ruin it again bc they don't deserve the other and HNNDNFJKFOUTGHHJJFJHH
But still the last line makes me think like. That they'll "meet" again soon with like. Their true feelings. They'll face each other with what they really feel and learn how to mend it all and they'll focus a bit on themselves too. Learn to also let go of the other a little bit to also think about themselves and what they need too yknow. Am I making sense
Now wait, wait, wait for me, please hang around
TSUKASA. Tsukasa who hasn't given up on his dream as the last one. Tsukass who hopes to tell them "don't give up on your dreams yet", tsukasa whos trying to say "if you wait I'll show you it can be done" but he needs time, he just needs to succeed for once, so please hang around and I'll show you and give you your hope and dreams back (also again smth about not wanting to be left alone. "Please wait for me (don't leave)" even when he fails again and again even though they dont know that)
I'll see you when I fall asleep
This isnt anything special really its just. Hw meeting at night HAHDHAH... maybe it could work for their sekai too as a metaphor or smth...??? but anyway basically just that. They all sing it
Then the chorus just repeats and I already talked about it so... yeah...
That's it hdhshd it's been on my mind a lot I love this song and it's just so comforting when u think about hw... them all supporting each other....
I love your au so much thank uou for making it sorry for the long ass ask HASHH
i am going to explode /pos KERI THIS IS SO GOODDDD URBEDBAHBDBANA i dont have like. additions here really. this is great ty. although. something abt the “now wait wait wait for me please hang around” line and hw being Abandonment Issues: The Unit JNFKSNDKANJDJWK
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remcycl333 · 2 years ago
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Rem, I need a friend. I was recently diagnosed with BPD. I mention it because I think this issue has to with my condition, and I don't know if I'm wrong but I read a post from you once where you said you had BPD and ADHD –correct me if I'm wrong– and I thought maybe you can understand me.
Anyways, my issue is, I struggle deciding what I want. Recently I had a situation with a guy, he has ADHD and him being forgetful, triggered me and had me begging for his attention. He was very kind and never reacted badly, but then he ghosted me, which triggered me again. My mind keeps telling me maybe it was his ADHD and maybe he now just feels guilty and feels like it's too late to answer (it's been weeks). I planned on texting him again but I don't want to fall into this dynamic.
I was thinking, "if I want to date him I should just go to the end and focus on that". Then I was like "Do I really want to date him?" Then I had another thought of "Maybe I should move on" and then "Wait, I actually do want to date him" and then "No, I just want validation" and then "Nope, I don't give a damn about validation he ain't even that good" and then "I do like him, maybe we should date" and then "I don't even want to have a conversation with him" and then "I want to know more about him" the point is, I always start a process of manifesting something and then the next day (sometimes not even a day) I want something else, and it's a mess because I end up manifesting NOTHING, only more frustration.
Tbh, if I wasn't triggered, I would 100% like to date him. I mean I met him 6yrs ago and liked him for months (we never talked but we were classmates in uni and he was super hot), then never saw him again until this year and when I saw him I was so happy and excited, and the crush I had on him resurfaced and it felt like a new chance to try. Until now that I am feeling so confused, and when it seems like I made up my mind, I then remember why I'm triggered and slip out again, and when I have "given up", I want him again, and it's exhausting.
omggg yes, i do have bpd and adhd and this was so crazy to read cuz it was like i was talking to my younger self! i went thru the EXACT same situation with my old sp. i manifested him back after he broke up with me (and before he broke up with me he'd forget to text me back all the time bc of his adhd) and it would trigger me so bad and i'd start doing the most outrageous things. and then when i was manifesting him back, i'd also constantly go from "fuck him im better than him" to "i want him so bad i need him" to "he's just gonna ignore me again i hate him" and then "no he's the love of my life" to "if he texts me im not even gonna respond bc he doesn't deserve me." and i was in a cycle of that for MONTHS. but like you said, i knew that if he had never rejected me in the first place (and therefore triggered me) i wouldn't have felt like that and i'd still want him and see him only in a positive light.
i think that what really helped me was just going straight to the end, like you said. whenever i'd start overthinking about whether or not i actually wanted him, i'd take some deep breaths and just go to my imagination and experience a reality where my sp never ignored me and he treated me how i wanted to be treated. i also reminded myself of how long i had wanted to be with him, and that when all was said and done, even if i had made up my mind that day that i didn't want to be with him anymore, the next day i would be upset about not being with him again. i wouldn't have been stuck in the cycle for so long if i didn't actually want to be with him. i was just feeling hurt and lashing out.
i also found comfort in knowing that i could create a new version of my sp where he was attentive and gave me the amount of attention i needed and wanted. i didn't want to manifest his adhd away or anything, but i wanted to create a version of him that was able to remember to reply to me lol. i knew that as long as i imagined my sp to be the version that i wanted, he wouldn't show up in my 3d as the old version anymore. the only way he could ignore me or ghost me again was if i imagined that he would. if i focused on the version of him that didn't, however, he never would! so whenever i felt worried or anxious that he'd do that again, i'd retreat to my imagination and experience the version of him that i wanted.
another thing that really helped me was to forgive him. i was always angry at him and imagining getting into arguments with him about our break up and imagining what i'd say to him when i manifested contact. but the thing about that was i was manifesting "the end", and the end was us already being in a relationship together. so if we were already in a relationship together, we would have already talked through our past issues and i already would've forgiven him. so i couldn't manifest us being happy together and forgiving him if i was constantly imagining scenarios where i hadn't already forgiven him. if that makes sense?
these thoughts still naturally popped up all the time. "what if he doesn't change" "what if he does it again" etc. and then when we were back in contact again, "what if i say something wrong and he stops replying" etc. but i just kept persisting, and every time my minded wanted to go back to scenarios like that, i'd shift back to my desired state and tell myself that we were already together and there was no reason to worry about stuff like that anymore.
anyway i hope this helped!! if u have more questions feel free to ask <3
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scoops404 · 11 months ago
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i feel horrible. I feel betrayed and I’m depressed but strangely not surprised?
Its not even, not even about who is worse or whatever, i just- I heard connor eats pants talk, he said how george and the dream team, (even if they don’t acknowledge it,) have a large young girl audience. That’s the part of the audience that helped them grow.(And id say the audience who was the most emotionally, young girls or queer people who a lot of the time grew up presenting female or queer people in general, who are also at higher risk of getting used or assaulted ) and how its disgusting and disappointing to see them drop these weird points about consent and i (as a part of that demographic myself) - that really hit me in some way. That really hit me and something about it rings in my chest with hurt an realisation. It makes me incredibly sad, and yet it makes me realise stuff.
That point to me seems incredibly important.
That fact makes their statements seem ignorant..
Im slowly coming to terms with how I personally want to move forward with acknowledging their content, the content that was genuinely helping my depression and was part of my routine. So I didn’t formulate this to be some sort of statement, but more of a “oh” moment that i wanted to share
These men don’t feel like they care about the large audience they hurt.. young girls, and how their respective statements about consent could affect idk their world view? :/
Something i got reminded of when reading tumblr after watching that connor tiktok clip of his stream.
I see where you're coming from and what you're feeling is valid and it's entirely up to you if you want to stay or not
I just think that we've seen a lot of examples of them being good to women, in a professional sense as well as personally (as recent as Sapnap's birthday stream we saw George direct the camera away from Sylvee's skirt while she was climbing the wall). This is not a defense of George's behavior regarding the Caiti situation in any way, shape, or form, but we also can't erase the good behavior that we have witnessed, you know?
Like, I've left fandoms for petty reasons and big reasons (i used to love shane dawson, I used to love david dobrik, i went on a weird hate watch spree for a couple depressing months in like 2018 for the paul brothers--i'm not proud) and when a cc's behavior becomes clear, I drop their ass. Even through the drituation, I've never seen behavior from the dreamteam that I thought was hateful against anyone and I believe they've always shown that they want to do what's right when they do mess up.
Do I think they have room to grow? Yeah, absolutely. But I don't think they secretly hate women or are exploiting us. ((no matter what Hannah is saying now, they have had many close female friends for quite a while--Puffy, Sylvee, Gia--and I feel like those people wouldn't have stuck around if they were shitty to women constantly when off camera))
I don't think this incident with Caiti is just another in a long line of dubious consent situations (not that I can know). If I thought they were doing this behind the scenes all the time, I'd nope out. I'm hoping that they can take this as a learning moment and find greater nuance in consent. We are always learning and Dream, the most, has always shown he's willing to take criticism and realize why something was wrong and not do it again. We've seen this from George too when he apologized for old screen shots with slurs. They aren't perfect, none of us are, but I have hope that they'll move forward with a clearer idea.
To be quite honest, I have seen the conversations around consent morph in my lifetime. It's a wonderful thing to see women speaking up and being believed and consequences coming down on men when, historically, that has almost never been the case. We need to keep having these conversations and reinforcing the line, no matter how uncomfortable it can be.
As far as dream team not caring about their audience, I can't really disagree with that right now lol. I certainly don't really feel cared for, but I'm here more for my friends now at this point.
Keep thinking through what this means for you and how you want to move forward for yourself. there's nothing wrong with putting them down for a while. I see a trend of former fans burning the ground as they leave, but like, you can just leave or take a little hiatus from dreamteam, and that's absolutely fine! You can always change your mind and come back, or you can find something else and get super invested in that. No one is going to track what you're doing and judge you, I promise.
As far as content to help you through depression, I can't recommend Brittany Broski and Trixie and Katya enough. I've been listening to Trixie and Katya's Podcast, the Bald and the Beautiful, for my long commutes and they keep me laughing. I'd start with their "Unhhh" youtube series though because it's..... Hilarious
Sorry this got so long. Classic Scoops
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rottkitt · 6 months ago
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!!PLEASE READ ALL OF THIS.!!
i just want to put out a small note that just because i’m the biggest sour screen fan doesn’t mean i don’t fw other taco ships! if you are anti tacomic or anti paco i suggest you scramble on out because i fw those because i have attachments to those ships for personal reasons.
also, i am a plural/system. almost all of the recent posts you have seen are posts by me, a fictive of taco. and i have very distinct memories and preferences of ships i do and don’t like. i’m a multishipper but i’m a picky one
i’m also going to tell all of you now that taco x trophy is not allowed near me. at all. if you ship taco x trophy you are on EXTREME thin ice. along with tacobulb because i have a very strong sibling attachment to lightbulb and seeing art of taco and lightbulb being anything more than friends or family just. makes me feel icky.
i also don’t fw tacocase, taco x silver spoon, taco x cabby, taco x test tube or taco x candle. or tacoberry. BUT, they don’t make me uncomfortable, they just aren’t my thing. you do you w your rarepairs though! i don’t care as long as it isn’t taco x trophy (i actually fucking HATE trophy in general he makes me extremely uncomfortable)
ALSO. a (not so) friendly reminder to GET. OUT. if you like homestuck. if you’re a homestuck fan please tell me so i can block you.
another reminder: miraculous ladybug fans are on EXTREMELY thin ice!
also, endos/endo supporters (+demosys and tulpasys) fuck off. my blog is not a safe space for you and i will just block you if you interact.
i will not engage in syscourse or lgbt identity discourse, but i do have my opinions, and i freely block.
i believe in typing quirks even if they’re complicated or weird. as long as you’re willing to translate if i don’t understand i literally dont care
i also want to adress something that’s a bit important to me
i’ve seen a few people in my notifications who have reblogged maxphillippa (i think that’s how you spell their name please tell me if i’m wrong) and i want to say that i blocked them last year because they are, from what i recall, anti tacomic. and again, i’m a tacomic shipper. and from what i’ve seen about them they have a general dislike for taco and a lot of taco ships. which is fine, people have opinions, but seeing their content does make me a little uncomfortable as someone who is both a taco fictive but also who’s headmates collectively have a massive attachment to taco. i won’t stop you from interacting with them, but i will tell you that i will avoid conversing about them
something i need to warn people about is that i have a lot of mental issues. i struggle with a lot of things including/especially social interactions and differences in opinions and preferences. i’m getting better accepting that people might have largely different thought processes from me and that people will disagree with things i say. i get easily defensive and angry or upset and it’s a thing i’m working on.
i also need direct communication when you’re upset with me for any reason. the amount of times i’ve had to tell people not to keep it a secret when they don’t like me is frustratingly large. i understand having communication issues, i have them too, i struggle to tell people when i’m upset over things and hide my emotions, but things need to be said. especially if they’re serious.
sorry for all of the text, these are just things that i need to say before anyone actually interacts with my blog, and especially if you’re going to join sour screen hq. because i’m going out of my comfort zone with making sshq and talking to new people
if you read all of that THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ACTUALLY READING I KNOW PEOPLE DONT LIKE PARAGRAPHS. i dont like em much either but this was all really important to me
anyways byyeee…. i need to keep working on sshq im not even done with roles yet🧍‍♀️
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youremyheaven · 9 months ago
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https://www.tumblr.com/youremyheaven/752283558503170048/i-guess-youre-the-anon-who-shares-the-same
this was so insightful?? thank you omg 🥹💗
ive always believed in and have been interested in figuring out what parts of me were innately me and which parts of me were just a side effect of the environment i was in but i never considered how spirituality could tie into all this
im not sure if it was you but i remember there was a post about how jyeshta could struggle with confidence and self worth and my atmakaraka AND amatyakaraka both fall in jyeshta so i might look into that
and i never considered the fact that venus influence could have possibly been influential in my chart because of past experiences and because of how you mentioned that most it girls tend to have Venusian influence somewhere so you might be onto something with how i dont resonate completely with the whole “material girl slaying and being an it girl” themes of venus (my other scorpio and ardra placements probably did this to me but anyway)
AND i remember you also reblogged a post about how venusians tend to succeed in higher fields because they know how to charm and please people and honestly i resonated more with not being interested in pleasing anyone at all, but this conversation has made me realise that i do have a tendency of being liked/preferred and “picked” as favourites by higher class or wealthier people, even when i felt like an ugly duckling or black sheep at times, unwanted and ugly and less valued and disgusted by myself— but on the flip side, sometimes people who were racist or naturally more biased and unwelcoming or whatever is unnatural in beauty to them were really mean to me, EVEN as a child. so not sure how exactly venus was working then
but your response was really sweet and insightful and honestly i think ive been needing that reply as a bit of a reminder recently so thank you for that, and i hope you receive various blessing and peace on your path ahead 🪷💗
yayy 🥺im glad you found it insightful 🥰
i havent made a post about Jyeshta but its something ive noticed with Jyeshta individuals overall
i mean not every Venusian is going to fit the stereotype of the "material slay it girl". I have two friends who both have Bharani stelliums (the rest of their chart is very different though lol) and one of them was a proper it girl, pretty much everybody my age in my city knows her name, girls wanted to be like her, boys wanted her, literal YEARS later, people still remember her. i remember talking to her ex boyfriend from 8 years ago and he told me how about 2yrs ago, someone walked up to him at a restaurant and asked him if he knew my friend,,, honestly her impact💅🏻is undeniable. her fame blurred into notoriety and she hasn't had an easy life at all, so the harshness of Venusian influence is definitely there
my other friend is just a regular person. she's not a stereotypical Venusian in this "it girl icon" way but in a harsh Venusian "I don't care about anything other than having a good time" way but I think her 5h stellium amplifies this.
Venus does not really guarantee that you will only ever receive positive treatment from others, no planet can do that. Being human means experiencing all kinds of things. When I said that about Venusian charisma and grace, I think Venusians are naturally sociable and charismatic, they dont really have to try to please anybody, in fact "trying to please" would not be Venusian at all. Venusians are often unaware of their magnetism. Lunars are the opposite, an evolved Lunar individual is fully aware of how to read a room or study an individual and behave accordingly, they're more calculated and sometimes their charm comes across as forced. Also I think people often have a negative reaction to Jyeshta women because of Jyeshta's Alakshmi themes.
Thank you sooo much, you're sooo sweet<333 hope you have a good day<333
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